Cope
by Psycho Weasel
Summary: After an unpredictable event, Matt has to learn to deal with the grief of losing his best friend. Taito  friendship or not  angst.


**COPE**

They always said you were the strong one. You were the one who held the most courage out of our group of friends and you'd always charge out to do something whether it was right or wrong. You always acted first and thought about the consequence later…but I guess that was just something that everybody loved about you.

I can't believe that it was only a week ago that you were running around the soccer field, as happy as a bird…and now you're gone.

I refused to believe it when people told me you died. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to deal with the idea of not having your around anymore. Once I saw your name and face in the obituary section of the newspaper, I knew I couldn't run from it anymore. No matter how much time I spent doing homework, or played my guitar, nothing could change the fact that you died this past weekend.

Sometimes, I just want to run over to your house and expect to see you rush out and hug me. To tell me it was all a big prank and that you actually did survive that horrible landslide that happened when you were out camping. But I'm afraid that if I go over, I'll see your heart-broken family and know the truth.

What bothers me the most is seeing how everyone else is reacting to this. They all say how it was an accident, that no one could have stopped or predicted it, and that maybe your time on earth was supposed to be done. A week ago, I would have believed it…but now I can't. It's unfair to know that while I'm still here living and breathing, you're not. Why couldn't death claim someone else who was ready to leave this world? Not my best friend. You had your whole life ahead of you and in two seconds, it was ripped away from you.

I wish I could have seen you one last time. Hear your laughter when I tell you a really lame joke. Smell that oddly comforting smell of dirt and sweat when you came out of your soccer practices. I wish my last memory of you was something more meaningful than a simple hug and saying how we'd see each other on Monday. I wish I could have showed how much I cared about you and say how much you meant to me.

Your viewing is tomorrow, I know that…but please don't be angry if I don't go. I don't want my last memory of seeing your face to be when you're in a casket. I want to remember you as the brave, slightly obnoxious soccer player who cared about his friends and always wanted to have a good time. I'll come to the rest of the funeral…but I just can't see you like that.

I'm trying to stay strong. I try not to let people see how much it hurts to have lost you forever, but it gets harder every day. It seems to be on the mind of everyone I run into and all they want to talk about. How can I not lock myself in my room and cry when all they want to talk about is how am I doing after losing my best friend? I don't know what to do now…I feel so numb.

You always knew what to do and say to make me feel better. You believed in me and were always there for you. I feel like I let you down now. Could there have been something I could have said or done to stop this from happening? My dad said that there wasn't, but I feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I asked you to stay over for the weekend, or talked to you a little longer before you left, then you'd still be here.

They say that best friends are angels without wings…maybe you've become one of my guardian angels? It's kind of funny to imagine you wearing all white and having wings on your back…but it's better to imagine you that way than dead.

One day, maybe I'll be able to cope with this. Maybe one day I'll learn to move on. One day…but not right now because…

I miss you like hell, Tai.

* * *

><p><em><strong><span>NOTE:<span> **A lady in my neighborhood, who I considered to be a friend of mine, passed away this last Saturday (Feb. 4th) because of relapse of cancer. Not really the same as dying from a landslide...but the feelings of loss are still there.  
><em>


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